Good Morning
Sirens pierce the silence
Disoriented lying stunned
Ripped from the world moments before
The screaming culprit lying smug next to us
A forceful k.o. shuts up the villain
A sliver of light dances across silk sheets
Rustling fabrics are met with slow groans
A darkness glows orange as the light hits the walls of eyes
Quivering frustration they creak open
Fighting the weight of gravity
No.
A defiance is proclaimed mid-struggle
Thundering boom ushers in darkness
Feathers erupt as a pillow collides with flesh
The softest explosion. A joyous crash.
Yet in the midst of celebration, an icy chill takes it victim
Naked
Stripped of shelter
All power dismantled
Vulnerable in darkness no longer welcoming
Like a lightning strike the light forces it's presence
Blinded and numb
The light melts softly
Blurry shapes grow from the white canvas
Confusion dissipates as the surroundings become known
Amidst the chaos drifts in hope
A rich aroma
Intoxicating and exciting
Tossing in the towel this fight of light and dark is worth the battle
Risen. Woke.
Disoriented lying stunned
Ripped from the world moments before
The screaming culprit lying smug next to us
A forceful k.o. shuts up the villain
A sliver of light dances across silk sheets
Rustling fabrics are met with slow groans
A darkness glows orange as the light hits the walls of eyes
Quivering frustration they creak open
Fighting the weight of gravity
No.
A defiance is proclaimed mid-struggle
Thundering boom ushers in darkness
Feathers erupt as a pillow collides with flesh
The softest explosion. A joyous crash.
Yet in the midst of celebration, an icy chill takes it victim
Naked
Stripped of shelter
All power dismantled
Vulnerable in darkness no longer welcoming
Like a lightning strike the light forces it's presence
Blinded and numb
The light melts softly
Blurry shapes grow from the white canvas
Confusion dissipates as the surroundings become known
Amidst the chaos drifts in hope
A rich aroma
Intoxicating and exciting
Tossing in the towel this fight of light and dark is worth the battle
Risen. Woke.
Curious title. There’s very clearly some type of conflict going on here; there’s a lot of reference to light vs. dark, and that carries throughout the whole poem. There’s a lot of confusion on my part as to who the characters in this poem are — there’s briefly an “us”, as well as a “screaming culprit”, “villain” and “victim.”
ReplyDeleteOn multiple reads, I realise this is just the speaker waking up to an alarm clock. I’d suggest perhaps a lighter, more conversational tone, since now there’s an element of humour. You also have some boxing references in there (“forceful k.o.” and “tossing in the towel” — i think these are boxing terms? maybe?) and it would be interesting to see that carried throughout the whole poem.
Your use of active, descriptive language is effective - phrases like “pierce the silence”, “quivering frustration”, “icy chill” work very well to convey certain feelings. However, there is some ambiguity in sections such as “surroundings become known” and “a rich aroma”. Such phrases have no concrete grounding, so it’s hard to imagine.
Overall, an interesting poem. I felt a sense of accomplishment on figuring out what was going on here because even with the title and last line, I honestly had no idea. That's not a bad thing; one of the things I like about poetry is that you do have to read it multiple times to get it.